As I said in my last post this is my story that very few people know.
Not
long after the birth of our son, we again were so overjoyed with the
news of another little one. We did not plan for our children to be so
close together but were happy that God was blessing us again. We soon
found out that our joy was to be tripled!!! Yes, I was pregnant with
triplets. What most people don't know is that after the birth of a child some woman have hyper-ovulation, which basically means you can get pregnant with multiples easier. We where trilled but terrified because the reality was we
would have FOUR little ones under one (Proton would be just under one
when they would be due). The other terrifying thing was that this would
be a high risk pregnancy, especially with my past. I tried to enjoy
this pregnancy because my only thought was this would be my last
pregnancy, five children (one heavenly) was definitely enough for us.
At 9 weeks, I went to the doctor due to spotting. We got the
devastating news that there was only two heartbeats...the doctor also
prepared me that this may only be the beginning. I begin to grieve for
the one we lost but also prayed fervently for the two I was still
carrying. At 10 weeks, I went in for another follow-up and there were no
heartbeats. I was so angry with God at that point. I didn't
understand why we had to go through this again and on top of it losing
three at one time. It was then that God reminded me of the verses I had
leaned on before and I knew that it was not for me to understand but
that His plan would be made clear in His time.
It took me a really long time to think about have more children because going through all this was difficult and at times I wasn't sure I could handle it again. Eventually I realized it wasn't able me being able to handle it, it was about me trusting God to handle it. I had to remember that I didn't have to carry this burden and so we gave it over to God. Soon after that I became pregnant again. All the same feelings came again, the fear, the joy and the grief but I did not want to take any of the time I had with this little life for granted. Unfortunately my time with this little one was short. I lost my sweet child at 10 weeks.
You may ask why am I sharing all these painful memories. The answer is my hope is that I can be a comfort to someone that is going through this or has been through this. My hope is to let you know that you are not alone. You may feel so alone but God is right there ready to hold and comfort you. God grieves over your child too! In the perfect world he created there was no death and no pain but one day we will have the hope of that again: no more pain and no more death! I have the peace to know that one day I will meet my children in heaven and O what a glorious day that will be. I also now know how this pain can become something good: a way to help others.
It's seems like my post are always longer than I expect so my next post will be about what I feel so many Christians are afraid to talk about...infertility.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Our first "take home" child - Intro (part 3)
The story continues...
During our grieving for our first child, we started praying because we knew that Memphis was just not the right place for us any more. Atom got a call from a friend from college that had an opportunity for him. His friend had been offered a job in our home state, he wasn't interested but thought of Atom. Atom put in his resume and I prayed like crazy. Atom said this would be his dream job and that he didn't think he would get it. I just had that feeling, some call it women's intuition, others call it discernment. I don't know what it is but I just knew this was it. It took about a week but Atom called me and told me he got an offer for the job. I was so excited that after work I started packing. By the time Atom got home I already had several boxes packed. Needless to say I was a little excited. We move to North Carolina and God blessed both of us with great jobs. We were also able to find a wonderful church and buy our first house. Then it happened, we found out I was pregnant again!!!
We were again thrilled but this time it was different for us. Our excitement was stifled by the fear that we may never get to meet this little one. This robbed us of so much joy. With each milestone in my pregnancy, we grieved a little for the child with which we didn't get to experience these moments. After a lot of prayer and reflection, with the grace of God, we where able to put away our fear and have joy for this wonderful new gift.
This kind of fear doesn't just stay away, it is something you have to deal with each time it creeps back in. One of the times that I started to struggle again was at 27 weeks when I began to have pre-term labor. We struggled with the thought that we may loss this baby but "tried" to trust God's plan. They stopped my labor several times and the last time they stopped it I was 36 weeks and 5 days. We were finally able to meet one of our children at 40 weeks and 1 day. Since he is part of Atom, he will be called Proton in my blog. Proton was born full-term at 7 lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long at 5:20 am in February 2008. God blessed me to be able to enjoy my son and my joy was so abundant that I was able to hold my baby boy!
One thing I would encourage all women that have been through a miscarriage is try to put away your fear and enjoy that child. I truly do understand that this is easier to say than do but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Find joy in every moment you have with that child, even if it is very short. Don't be robbed of those moments because you will never get them back. I truly regret not enjoy every moment when I was pregnant and I hope others can learn from my mistake. Remember that every precious moment with our children is a gift. If we could keep that close to our hearts, we would have much happier homes and children.
My next post will be able our miscarriages and infertility issues in between our two earthly children. This is my story that very few people know but I feel is important to share. See you soon!
During our grieving for our first child, we started praying because we knew that Memphis was just not the right place for us any more. Atom got a call from a friend from college that had an opportunity for him. His friend had been offered a job in our home state, he wasn't interested but thought of Atom. Atom put in his resume and I prayed like crazy. Atom said this would be his dream job and that he didn't think he would get it. I just had that feeling, some call it women's intuition, others call it discernment. I don't know what it is but I just knew this was it. It took about a week but Atom called me and told me he got an offer for the job. I was so excited that after work I started packing. By the time Atom got home I already had several boxes packed. Needless to say I was a little excited. We move to North Carolina and God blessed both of us with great jobs. We were also able to find a wonderful church and buy our first house. Then it happened, we found out I was pregnant again!!!
We were again thrilled but this time it was different for us. Our excitement was stifled by the fear that we may never get to meet this little one. This robbed us of so much joy. With each milestone in my pregnancy, we grieved a little for the child with which we didn't get to experience these moments. After a lot of prayer and reflection, with the grace of God, we where able to put away our fear and have joy for this wonderful new gift.
This kind of fear doesn't just stay away, it is something you have to deal with each time it creeps back in. One of the times that I started to struggle again was at 27 weeks when I began to have pre-term labor. We struggled with the thought that we may loss this baby but "tried" to trust God's plan. They stopped my labor several times and the last time they stopped it I was 36 weeks and 5 days. We were finally able to meet one of our children at 40 weeks and 1 day. Since he is part of Atom, he will be called Proton in my blog. Proton was born full-term at 7 lbs 1 oz and 19 inches long at 5:20 am in February 2008. God blessed me to be able to enjoy my son and my joy was so abundant that I was able to hold my baby boy!
One thing I would encourage all women that have been through a miscarriage is try to put away your fear and enjoy that child. I truly do understand that this is easier to say than do but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). Find joy in every moment you have with that child, even if it is very short. Don't be robbed of those moments because you will never get them back. I truly regret not enjoy every moment when I was pregnant and I hope others can learn from my mistake. Remember that every precious moment with our children is a gift. If we could keep that close to our hearts, we would have much happier homes and children.
My next post will be able our miscarriages and infertility issues in between our two earthly children. This is my story that very few people know but I feel is important to share. See you soon!
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Introduction (part 2)- Our first child and our first miscarriage
So this post was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. So it will have to be more than one post like I planned. We will take a step back to Memphis for the first part of my story. But here goes...
We where living in Memphis, when we happily found out that we where expecting our first bundle of joy. We were very excited but nervous too. The main reason for our nerves was Atom had recently lost his job that we moved here for and the job he had previously was awful. The job had him working crazy hours and he was extremely tired when he did finally get home. Regardless, we decided God had a bigger plan and decided to trust him in all things. What we didn't know is that this little miracle would not be a "take-home" miracle. I was about 7 weeks pregnant when we lost him; I say him even though we didn't know.
If you have never been through the loss of child, the only thing I can compare it to is the feeling of all the air being sucked out of the room. I have cried many times over different things but this was so different. It was uncontrollable! It was the red hot tears streaming like a river from your face. It's not the pretty sobbing you see on TV, it's the snot pouring and the gasping for breath in between cries of anguish. It's the feeling that your whole world has changed and nothing can ever be right again. Then after all this, all you feel is numbness and exhaustion. For me, it was during this time that I was crying out to God! I was trying to understand but that's when I realized it wasn't for me to understand. I had two verses that I clung to (Proverbs 3:5-6 & Jeremiah 29:11). Many people ask how can a loving God let things like this happen. I say it is because he loved us so much that he gave us free will and because of that free will, sin was born into the world. Now we live in an imperfect world and because of that, bad things happen. Does that mean God loved me less because it happened to me? No, it means he has a plan for me that I still don't understand but trust Him to fulfill. How could I say to God you must give up your "perfect" son for my sins and be angry when something bad happens to mine. So know this that the loss of a child is a difficult thing to go through but it is possible with God!
We where living in Memphis, when we happily found out that we where expecting our first bundle of joy. We were very excited but nervous too. The main reason for our nerves was Atom had recently lost his job that we moved here for and the job he had previously was awful. The job had him working crazy hours and he was extremely tired when he did finally get home. Regardless, we decided God had a bigger plan and decided to trust him in all things. What we didn't know is that this little miracle would not be a "take-home" miracle. I was about 7 weeks pregnant when we lost him; I say him even though we didn't know.
If you have never been through the loss of child, the only thing I can compare it to is the feeling of all the air being sucked out of the room. I have cried many times over different things but this was so different. It was uncontrollable! It was the red hot tears streaming like a river from your face. It's not the pretty sobbing you see on TV, it's the snot pouring and the gasping for breath in between cries of anguish. It's the feeling that your whole world has changed and nothing can ever be right again. Then after all this, all you feel is numbness and exhaustion. For me, it was during this time that I was crying out to God! I was trying to understand but that's when I realized it wasn't for me to understand. I had two verses that I clung to (Proverbs 3:5-6 & Jeremiah 29:11). Many people ask how can a loving God let things like this happen. I say it is because he loved us so much that he gave us free will and because of that free will, sin was born into the world. Now we live in an imperfect world and because of that, bad things happen. Does that mean God loved me less because it happened to me? No, it means he has a plan for me that I still don't understand but trust Him to fulfill. How could I say to God you must give up your "perfect" son for my sins and be angry when something bad happens to mine. So know this that the loss of a child is a difficult thing to go through but it is possible with God!
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