Introduction (part 2)- Our first child and our first miscarriage

So this post was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. So it will have to be more than one post like I planned.  We will take a step back to Memphis for the first part of my story.  But here goes...

We where living in Memphis, when we happily found out that we where expecting our first bundle of joy.  We were very excited but nervous too.  The main reason for our nerves was Atom had recently lost his job that we moved here for and the job he had previously was awful.  The job had him working crazy hours and he was extremely tired when he did finally get home.  Regardless, we decided God had a bigger plan and decided to trust him in all things.  What we didn't know is that this little miracle would not be a "take-home" miracle.  I was about 7 weeks pregnant when we lost him; I say him even though we didn't know.

If you have never been through the loss of child, the only thing I can compare it to is the feeling of all the air being sucked out of the room.  I have cried many times over different things but this was so different.  It was uncontrollable!  It was the red hot tears streaming like a river from your face.  It's not the pretty sobbing you see on TV, it's the snot pouring and the gasping for breath in between cries of anguish.  It's the feeling that your whole world has changed and nothing can ever be right again.  Then after all this, all you feel is numbness and exhaustion.  For me, it was during this time that I was crying out to God!  I was trying to understand but that's when I realized it wasn't for me to understand.  I had two verses that I clung to (Proverbs 3:5-6 & Jeremiah 29:11).  Many people ask how can a loving God let things like this happen.  I say it is because he loved us so much that he gave us free will and because of that free will, sin was born into the world.  Now we live in an imperfect world and because of that, bad things happen.  Does that mean God loved me less because it happened to me?  No, it means he has a plan for me that I still don't understand but trust Him to fulfill.  How could I say to God you must give up your "perfect" son for my sins and be angry when something bad happens to mine.  So know this that the loss of a child is a difficult thing to go through but it is possible with God!